BUT ...

I do sometimes wonder about it. My constant need, desire, quest for Organization.  The last time that I was not actively in pursuit of that state, I was pre-pubescent - I had nothing to organize.

For the thirty seven years that I have been a homeowner it has been paramount in my thoughts, needs and desires. It has sucked a lot of hours out of my life. Too many.

That’s kind of pathetic. What has caused that never-ending, overwhelming need?  Why have I not actually felt that I have ever achieved it to my satisfaction in almost four decades. Well, actually I know why I feel like that – because I have NOT achieved it. In spite of spending a great deal of my life entrenched in that activity and accusations of being the ‘Container Queen’. I have lots of containers. Lots. And LOTS.  And I suspect will buy MORE. I also cannot throw away a shoe box or any other box with an actual lid, or even a big can … with a lid.  I like lids. I like containers.  I have lots of stuff to CONTAIN.  And labels - I like to LABEL the stuff that I contain.

I had a discussion with Jae while we were walking on the treadmill at the gym the other day.  It was reminiscent of the times I had them in the car, as a captive audience – using the opportunity to do some teaching ... or more accurately, preaching. I couldn't escape.  I was sharing my plans and goals and current activity with her, which was … of course.  She was throwing back ‘Is that REALLY your PRIORITY for your time?’ 'How much of your life are you going to SPEND organizing?' Etc. Etc. Etc.  I kept ping-ponging back with ‘But…’ ‘But…’ ‘But ….’  'But I FEEL better when things are organized. But it zaps my energy when I'm in a messy space. But I cannot move ahead or allow myself to create another mess when I already have one.'  But, I suppose the real truth is, I am never going to FINISH with organizing. 


Indeed, I know the message very well. I’ve heard it more than once before, from other sources than my own self. Years ago, my sister asked what I was working on and I said ‘First I have to get my studio tooled up and organized.’ Her reply was: “One of these days you are going to have to STOP organizing and actually get to WORK.”

Is it my need to contain stuff or is it a procrastination tactic of avoidance? Perhaps I should see a therapist. I think they would tell me that I simply have Too Much Stuff.  To which I will justify with my ‘But’.  "BUT I am a Mixed Media Artist, which means that I must have much STUFF to MIX.  You can’t just mix two things, you must MIX LOTS."  ‘Get rid of other Stuff then’, to which I would reply:  "BUT I am a Keeper – I MUST KEEP stuff. That’s what us Keepers do. I have Stuff to Keep and I need Stuff to work with."That’s me. 

At this point, therapy or not, it’s highly unlikely I am going to change who I am. 

BUT I would like to be a little more organized.